When we were young, we used to say, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But is that true? Lots of us still feel the pain and carry the scars of words others have said to us.
One day, a dad came home from work tired and grumpy, and he yelled some unkind words at his wife. That made her angry, and she yelled at their son. Then the son yelled at his little sister, the sister kicked the dog, the dog bit the cat, the cat scratched the baby, and the baby bit the head off her sister’s Barbie doll. The wife said to the husband, “It would be a lot easier on all of us if you’d just come through the door and bite the head off the Barbie doll yourself.”
Words matter.
James, the half-brother of Jesus (his mother was Mary), had a lot to say about words. James wasn’t a believer until after Jesus’s resurrection, but once he believed, he became the leader of the Jerusalem church. He wrote one of the most practical books in the Bible, and part of what he wrote concerned our words:
If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! (James 3:3-5)
The tiny bit on a horse can allow the rider to control the entire horse. The small rudder on a ship can control the ship. A tiny spark can cause a huge forest fire. And one little tongue, our words, can do a whole lot of damage.
The tiny spark can’t be taken back; once it happens, it’s out of control, and the damage is done. And it’s the same with our words. Once you squeeze out toothpaste, you can’t put it back in the tube. Once you say something hurtful, you can’t put the words back in your mouth. The damage is done. Watching what we say is something that every Christian needs to do.
What are some things we do that cause damage with our tongue? There are so many, like lying, deceiving, leading people into poor decisions, influencing people away from God, it’s a long list. For our purpose, I’ll point out two.
First, we slander or gossip. I’m talking about sharing information about someone just to hurt them. Sometimes, it isn’t so obvious what’s going on. We aren’t gossiping, we’re sharing a “concern” or a “prayer request.” But, we want to hurt the person, and we do.
Have you ever been the subject of gossip? I have. I guess as a minister you get used to it, but I’ve had several times where someone just up and decided to lie about me. Even though the lies were outrageous, there were people each time who believed them. I grew some fairly thick skin, which was helpful because gossip cuts you deeply and leaves you scarred.
As believers, we need to decide not to gossip. That’s a good first step. We can also refuse to listen to gossip. Somehow, we think listening is okay. Listening, though, is just as sinful as sharing. We can stop rumors in their tracks by refusing to hear them. When someone starts to tell you something, let them know you don’t want to hear it. Here are some other things you can say to them:
- “May I quote you on that?”
- “Have you talked to this person privately?”
- “Who told you that? Please go back to that person and ask them who told them.”
I’ve used that last one several times. I always tried to get back to the source of the rumor by going from person to person to person. Somewhere along the line, the process would stop, because the originator of the rumor realized what was going on. This often stopped the rumors, but the damage had been done.
Another damaging thing we do with our words is that we belittle people. We make cutting remarks about someone without even thinking. Or we’re constantly saying something negative to them. At times, it doesn’t even matter what we say. The way we say it proves hurtful. We may not realize we’ve hurt them, but our negative comments cut deep.
Try to say at least three positive things to someone before you say one negative thing to them. When you talk to them, check yourself — are you being positive or negative?
Finally, just be kind to people. If you belong to Jesus, you have no business hurting people with your words — period. So be kind, and close your mouth.
James isn’t the only place in the Bible where God teaches us to control our mouths:
Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut. (Proverbs 10:19, NLT)
Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing. (Proverbs 12:18, NLT)
Then keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies! (Proverbs 34:13, NLT)
It’s almost as if God wanted us to get the message that this is important. It is! If you have a habit of popping off at the mouth without regard to how you impact others, stop it. Think before you speak. Ask the Holy Spirit to work in your life to change you and your tongue. You’re a believer and are free from the power of sin. You don’t have to hurt people with your words. So don’t.
You can also do an enormous amount of good with your words. We’ll look at that next time.
Such a timely message, Richard! Thanks for sharing your insight.